i guess it's a personal blog?

Had a very depressing dream.
In it, the bitch said something very mean though apparently caring to me.
Folding that couple pieces of paper, I burst into tears.

Haven’t got much idea why I had that kind of dream.
Have already lost touch with my feelings for quite some time.

Perhaps it’s got something to do with my loneliness.
Perhaps it’s somewhat in some way related to me not attending the get-together my university friends’ve organised for me tonight.

On one hand, I feel the needs to have more friends, as I’m pretty much alone most of the time (I try not to think too much about this to quanrantee that feeling).
One the other hand, to some extent I don’t really wanna go.
The meal’s gonna be expensive, and this is in a time when I’m pretty hard up cos I need to buy lots of stuff.
While it might be a good time we’d have in the restaurant, I’m not sure if they’d keep contact with me afterwards.

In the end, I spent the time catching up on sleep and preparing for my next month’s IELTS exam.

Couldn’t sleep at night. No idea why, just faintly remember the great losses came to my mind soon after I lied down in bed.

For the last two hours, a lot of back stuff’s returned to haunt me. His despair groaning on the phone, the sound he made one evening, the painful unversity entry exams period… Though I knew I could pray to God and he’d always be there with me, I didn’t do so this time. Perhaps some time later.

Having had great losses and not being admitted to the university aside, things have been pretty cool. I got 9 in my IELTS practice papers again today. Hopefully I’ll be able to get into the education field with the exam certificate should I really get 8.5 overall or even 9 in the actual exam. At this moment I’m not doing anything in particular besides updating my blog and, listening to a song which I keep playing these few days. Probably cos of its lyrics, I feel somehow connected with this song. Maybe this feeling is shared by a lot of other people, or just me.

我高高的 I’m tall
但是瘦瘦的 but slim
腰细细的 I have a small waist
臉小小的 and a small face
遇見你了 是我喜歡的人 I met you, and knew you are the one I love
不知道你會不會討厭 我没有什麼 Don’t know if you’ll dislike me cos I don’t have much to offer

我把手臂練粗了 I’ve trained my arms to become thicker
只為了讓你好躺一些 so you can lie on them more comfortably
我把真心練壯了 I’ve trained to make my hearty heart stronger
只為了背著你奔跑不會累 so I won’t feel tired when running with you on my back

我是一個瘦瘦的男生 I’m a slim guy
只是一個渺小的男生 only an ordinary guy
不知道你是否能看見 Don’t know if you will ever see
我愛你的那一面 the side of me that is deeply in love with you
我是一個瘦瘦的男生 I’m a slim guy
一直等待你的人 who’ve been waiting for you
如果我不是你選擇 If I’m not your choice
没關係 我只是個SOSO的男生 doesn’t matter, cos I’m just a so-so guy

如果你選擇了我 If you have chosen me,
因為你 我不是個SOSO的男生 cos of you I’ll no longer only be a so-so guy

Things haven’t been going quite well recently. The US economic recession plunged all the stocks I’ve got into new lows. Worse still, I just found tonight that I wasn’t shortlisted for interview for a teaching diploma programme–quite a sudden blow to my dreams of becoming a teacher.

Feeling so bad right now, I don’t know who I can turn to as there is, in actuality, no one I can talk to about this. My parents would’t understand but only blame me, plus I don’t want to sadden them. Friends are not a good option cos I’m not really that close to them. 

Sometimes I reminisce about my back time of being a student, when the only worry was studies. As a person grows up, so do their responsibilities and the expectations of them. At least one’s got to think about their career path and financial development, or at least stability

I used to consider lots of things minor, but that’s well before my stocks plummeted. Perhaps I wouldn’t be as upset if I still had some money right now, as I could still live freely and use the money to help me achieve my goals.

Will the stocks see rallies tomorrow as anticipated? Now that my plan of studying a postgraduate diploma in education at the university beginning this September has become a mission impossible, what are the alternatives?

I want to pray to God tonight, about everything…

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